The Toilet Dilemma

I'm in a quandary over a toilet seat. Over the weekend i was taking a crap and all of a sudden had a flashback over an episode i had a few years back in Melbourne during the winter.

The morning was cold and dark when i woke up one day and had this urge to pee (as a side note to all you 2 girls out there reading this, guys do suffer from this syndrome which i would like to call the Rock Hard Mornings Syndrome (RHMS). Without going into too much details and graphics, i think it would suffice to say that it involves peeing and stiffness). Anyway i had RHMS as always but proceeded to pee without too much thought. But then immediately after that particular bodily activity, the call to take a crap came and I instinctively lowered the seat, dropped my pants, did a 180 degree turn and sat. That was when i let out this almighty scream and would have jumped off the damn seat had my ass not been frozen solid to the toilet.

Fast forward 12 hours. I would spend the night at my buddy's place. He's married and his place is beautifully decorated with nice scented dried flowers sprinkled around the place. Nice clean floors...obvious woman's touch.

In the bathroom, they've got a tiny plant at the corner, nice branded perfumes and soaps and a red fuzzy on the toilet seat.

Well, i needed to take a crap that night and sat on the fuzzy and felt like a king. The fuzzy kept the seat nice and warm and well...kinda tickled making the entire experience more interesting.

The next morning, I had to pee again and dragged my RHMSed self to the toilet where i proceeded to put the seat up. BUT midway through that, the damn fuzzy suddenly starts to uncompress and slams down HARD and damn near takes my wee off with it! Now i was in a state of shock at my near death experience. Not only did i nearly lose my very reason for being male, i now had pee all over their damn red fuzzy! And since the only guys in the house are my married buddy and 4 of us guy visitors, i thought i would conveniently just lay the blame on one of the others...but unfortunately, when i went out, they were all having breakfast already...no way to escape this one.

His wife went nearly the same shade of red as the fuzzy when I confessed and thereupon launched into the benefits of sitting and peeing. I gently explained to her that guys could not and would not pee for 2 very simple reasons. One. It was our God given right to be able to pee standing up. We were given an instrument for a reason and we sure as hell were going to make full use of it. Second, even if I had sat down with RHMS, there was no way i was going to be able to fit under the cover anyway, short of breaking it in half (i kinda regret adding that part in because she looked like she would have gladly snapped it off for me).

So how about holding it while i was peeing then? She asked. Well, i replied, i would have if i knew in the first place the damn fuzzy was gunning out for me. How was i supposed to know it would uncoil at the most unfortunate moment?

Anyway, at the end of our holiday, i made a trip down to Target and got them an identical red fuzzy to replace the one i messed up...

Being in Sunny Singapore, we are fortunate never to have to make such a choice of whether or not to have one of those fuzzies. But it still begs the question: Fuzzies. Bane or boon?