I bought my first ever phone!!

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a tribal member from the jungles of Brazil. I have owned phones since i was 21 when it was more of a fashion statement than a tool (how a black solid rectangular cubiod object that was the size of the Empire State building and weighed twice as much was a fashion statement then, i have no idea...but then again, bloomers were in too). It's just that i had always been given phones for birthdays or hand-me-downs from my tech-savy brother.

But after many years...i have taken the plunge and invested in my first ever mobile phone! A Nokia! I feel a surge of power corsing through my veins everytime i hold that phone (shit i had a deprived childhood!).

Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in possession of a state of the art piece of equipment that is capable of causing worldwide mayhem but i have no frigging idea how to use it apart from making phone calls and sending SMSes.

There is an online manual that is accessible through the phone. The salesperson told me that. That's bloody awesome! But how the hell am i supposed to find it when i only know how to make phone calls??

Oh wait...of course...since i already know how to make phone calls, let's call for support! Er...hang on...how do i navigate the different pages when the phone is glued to my ear as I'm speaking with the support person?

Nevermind...i'm innovative and how hard can it be right to find the different functions in a phone? So i start plugging away...pressing buttons...playing with the menu...clicking everything that looks colourful and can move. And then the screen goes completely blank and the phone dies on me.

Right...i forgot...i have to charge it for 8 hours first. Small matter. Let's charge the phone. Charger goes to my wall socket. Loose end goes into my phone. Er...where? There're more holes in the phone than there are in a hormone enraged teenager's pimpled face. Which hole do i fucking stick the damn thing into?? After a few misattempts poking around, i finally found the right spot and stuck it right in (deliberately worded it to make it sound like a B grade porn script). My new baby was finally getting the juiced up and i was satisfied at last.

I found the manual booklet in the box and started reading that! And i wish i hadnt started. The phone is more complex than i thought. How on earth did they ever fit so much shit into something smaller than postage stamp? So if what i'm reading is correct, i can now surf the net, listen to Craig David, email one of you, chat with the other one on MSN, control NASA's satellites so that i can view ESPN more clearly and set off some fireworks on the other side of the universe all at once.

Fucking brilliant!!