I think i've got them figured out. Macdonalds that is. I've got them all figured out. They're from a parallel universe and somehow, in their effort to expand, probably got sucked into a black hole and landed on earth. Over time, they have evolved and have learnt to assimilate into our human culture. They even look human now...the only give-away...? The language that they speak...
Last weekend, Jo and I decided to have dinner at Macdonalds considering that we hadn't eaten there in eons. i walked in and ordered a MacChicken value meal upsize without the dressing and a box of BBQ sauce for the chips.
The guy at the counter looked perplexed.
Without dressing? he asked.
Yep, i replied, no dressing please.
He gave me a blank look. Then i gave him a blank look.
Er...said i...no dressing. You know, the lettuce in the burger? I dont want that.
*Blank Look* again
I was losing my patience and tried again. "Yea you know, the MacLettuce in the middle of the MacChicken? Between the MacBuns? The MacSalad dressing? I don't want that."
Believe it or not...Success!! I had decoded their language!
Then MacCashier MacDude asked me...you want to upsize?
I wanted to grab the MacStraws beside me and jam them up his seriously large MacNostrils!
"Yes...i want to MacUpsize my MacValue MacMeal!" i told him. "And i want some MacBBQ sauce for my MacFries please?"
And my order came out MacPerfect...MacFucking hell!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I like these...part 2
SLOW DANCE
Have you ever watched kids On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Do you run through each day On the fly?
When you ask "How are you?"
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Ever told your child, We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste, Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch, Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time To call and say "Hi"?
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift.... Thrown away.
Life is not a race. Do take it slower
Hear the music Before the song is over.
Unknown Title
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Gone but Not Forgotten
(dedicated to someone we'll always be missing...)
You were so full of life,
Always smiling and carefree,
Life loved you being a part of it,
And I loved you being a part of me.
You could make anyone laugh,
If they were having a bad day,
No matter how sad I was,
You could take the hurt away.
Nothing could every stop you,
Or even make you fall,
You were ready to take on the world,
Ready to do it all.
But God decided he needed you,
So from this world you left,
But you took a piece of all of us,
Our hearts are what you kept.
Your seat is now empty,
And it's hard not to see your face,
But please always know this,
No one will ever take your place.
You left without a warning,
Not even saying good-bye,
And I can't seem to stop,
Asking the question why?
Nothing will ever be the same,
The halls are empty without your laughter,
But I know you're in Heaven,
Watching over us and looking after.
I didn't see this coming,
It hit me by surprise,
And when you left this world,
A small part of me died.
Your smile could brighten anyone's day,
No matter what they were going through,
And I know everyday for the rest of my life,
I'll be missing you.
Have you ever watched kids On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Do you run through each day On the fly?
When you ask "How are you?"
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Ever told your child, We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste, Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch, Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time To call and say "Hi"?
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift.... Thrown away.
Life is not a race. Do take it slower
Hear the music Before the song is over.
Unknown Title
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Gone but Not Forgotten
(dedicated to someone we'll always be missing...)
You were so full of life,
Always smiling and carefree,
Life loved you being a part of it,
And I loved you being a part of me.
You could make anyone laugh,
If they were having a bad day,
No matter how sad I was,
You could take the hurt away.
Nothing could every stop you,
Or even make you fall,
You were ready to take on the world,
Ready to do it all.
But God decided he needed you,
So from this world you left,
But you took a piece of all of us,
Our hearts are what you kept.
Your seat is now empty,
And it's hard not to see your face,
But please always know this,
No one will ever take your place.
You left without a warning,
Not even saying good-bye,
And I can't seem to stop,
Asking the question why?
Nothing will ever be the same,
The halls are empty without your laughter,
But I know you're in Heaven,
Watching over us and looking after.
I didn't see this coming,
It hit me by surprise,
And when you left this world,
A small part of me died.
Your smile could brighten anyone's day,
No matter what they were going through,
And I know everyday for the rest of my life,
I'll be missing you.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Empathy? Or just a cold fish?
Jo and I had this little debate yesterday. Can you genuinely feel someone else's pain? What does it mean when you say "I can imagine the pain he's going through."
Can you really feel a person's pain? I can't. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of a mother who has to bury her own daughter. Pain enough for a mother to to cry tearless. Pain enough for a mother to collaspe into a heap. I have never felt pain like that. Going by logic, if i have never experienced such pain, can i even imagine what it feels like?
Similarly putting this into a more physical aspect. Girls have never had their nuts kicked in by a football. Are they then qualified to tell the guy moaning and rolling around in the grass "Dude. I know the pain you're going through and it's no big deal. Stand up and stop crying."
Or how about Manny Pacman flattening Hatton Hitman with one punch? Can you feel that?
Maybe I'm just indifferent. Or maybe i'm saying it as it is...
Can you really feel a person's pain? I can't. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of a mother who has to bury her own daughter. Pain enough for a mother to to cry tearless. Pain enough for a mother to collaspe into a heap. I have never felt pain like that. Going by logic, if i have never experienced such pain, can i even imagine what it feels like?
Similarly putting this into a more physical aspect. Girls have never had their nuts kicked in by a football. Are they then qualified to tell the guy moaning and rolling around in the grass "Dude. I know the pain you're going through and it's no big deal. Stand up and stop crying."
Or how about Manny Pacman flattening Hatton Hitman with one punch? Can you feel that?
Maybe I'm just indifferent. Or maybe i'm saying it as it is...
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I love these...part 1
The Little Man Who Wasn't There
Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
Oh, how I wish he'd go away...
I'm Free
Don't grieve for me now,Im Free,
I am following the path God laid for me
I took his hand when I heard him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,to laugh,to love,to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way,
I found that peace of close of day.
If My parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered Joy.
A friendship shared,a laugh,a kiss,ah yes these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My lifes been full,I savored much:
Good times,good friends,a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all to brief:
Dont lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and share with me,
God wanted me now,He set me Free.
I saw a peacock with a fiery tail
(this can be so different if i had punctuated it another way!!)
I saw a peacock with a fiery tail,
I saw a blazing comet drop down hail,
I saw a cloud wrapped with ivy round,I
saw an oak creep upon the ground,
I saw a pismire swallow up a whale,
I saw the sea brimful of ale,
I saw a Venice glass full fifteen feet deep,
I saw a well full of men's tears that weep,
I saw red eyes all of a flaming fire,
I saw a house bigger than the moon and higher,
I saw the sun at twelve o'clock at night,
I saw the man that saw this wondrous sight.
Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
Oh, how I wish he'd go away...
I'm Free
Don't grieve for me now,Im Free,
I am following the path God laid for me
I took his hand when I heard him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,to laugh,to love,to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way,
I found that peace of close of day.
If My parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered Joy.
A friendship shared,a laugh,a kiss,ah yes these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My lifes been full,I savored much:
Good times,good friends,a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all to brief:
Dont lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and share with me,
God wanted me now,He set me Free.
I saw a peacock with a fiery tail
(this can be so different if i had punctuated it another way!!)
I saw a peacock with a fiery tail,
I saw a blazing comet drop down hail,
I saw a cloud wrapped with ivy round,I
saw an oak creep upon the ground,
I saw a pismire swallow up a whale,
I saw the sea brimful of ale,
I saw a Venice glass full fifteen feet deep,
I saw a well full of men's tears that weep,
I saw red eyes all of a flaming fire,
I saw a house bigger than the moon and higher,
I saw the sun at twelve o'clock at night,
I saw the man that saw this wondrous sight.
Monday, May 4, 2009
I bought my first ever phone!!
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a tribal member from the jungles of Brazil. I have owned phones since i was 21 when it was more of a fashion statement than a tool (how a black solid rectangular cubiod object that was the size of the Empire State building and weighed twice as much was a fashion statement then, i have no idea...but then again, bloomers were in too). It's just that i had always been given phones for birthdays or hand-me-downs from my tech-savy brother.
But after many years...i have taken the plunge and invested in my first ever mobile phone! A Nokia! I feel a surge of power corsing through my veins everytime i hold that phone (shit i had a deprived childhood!).
Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in possession of a state of the art piece of equipment that is capable of causing worldwide mayhem but i have no frigging idea how to use it apart from making phone calls and sending SMSes.
There is an online manual that is accessible through the phone. The salesperson told me that. That's bloody awesome! But how the hell am i supposed to find it when i only know how to make phone calls??
Oh wait...of course...since i already know how to make phone calls, let's call for support! Er...hang on...how do i navigate the different pages when the phone is glued to my ear as I'm speaking with the support person?
Nevermind...i'm innovative and how hard can it be right to find the different functions in a phone? So i start plugging away...pressing buttons...playing with the menu...clicking everything that looks colourful and can move. And then the screen goes completely blank and the phone dies on me.
Right...i forgot...i have to charge it for 8 hours first. Small matter. Let's charge the phone. Charger goes to my wall socket. Loose end goes into my phone. Er...where? There're more holes in the phone than there are in a hormone enraged teenager's pimpled face. Which hole do i fucking stick the damn thing into?? After a few misattempts poking around, i finally found the right spot and stuck it right in (deliberately worded it to make it sound like a B grade porn script). My new baby was finally getting the juiced up and i was satisfied at last.
I found the manual booklet in the box and started reading that! And i wish i hadnt started. The phone is more complex than i thought. How on earth did they ever fit so much shit into something smaller than postage stamp? So if what i'm reading is correct, i can now surf the net, listen to Craig David, email one of you, chat with the other one on MSN, control NASA's satellites so that i can view ESPN more clearly and set off some fireworks on the other side of the universe all at once.
Fucking brilliant!!
But after many years...i have taken the plunge and invested in my first ever mobile phone! A Nokia! I feel a surge of power corsing through my veins everytime i hold that phone (shit i had a deprived childhood!).
Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in possession of a state of the art piece of equipment that is capable of causing worldwide mayhem but i have no frigging idea how to use it apart from making phone calls and sending SMSes.
There is an online manual that is accessible through the phone. The salesperson told me that. That's bloody awesome! But how the hell am i supposed to find it when i only know how to make phone calls??
Oh wait...of course...since i already know how to make phone calls, let's call for support! Er...hang on...how do i navigate the different pages when the phone is glued to my ear as I'm speaking with the support person?
Nevermind...i'm innovative and how hard can it be right to find the different functions in a phone? So i start plugging away...pressing buttons...playing with the menu...clicking everything that looks colourful and can move. And then the screen goes completely blank and the phone dies on me.
Right...i forgot...i have to charge it for 8 hours first. Small matter. Let's charge the phone. Charger goes to my wall socket. Loose end goes into my phone. Er...where? There're more holes in the phone than there are in a hormone enraged teenager's pimpled face. Which hole do i fucking stick the damn thing into?? After a few misattempts poking around, i finally found the right spot and stuck it right in (deliberately worded it to make it sound like a B grade porn script). My new baby was finally getting the juiced up and i was satisfied at last.
I found the manual booklet in the box and started reading that! And i wish i hadnt started. The phone is more complex than i thought. How on earth did they ever fit so much shit into something smaller than postage stamp? So if what i'm reading is correct, i can now surf the net, listen to Craig David, email one of you, chat with the other one on MSN, control NASA's satellites so that i can view ESPN more clearly and set off some fireworks on the other side of the universe all at once.
Fucking brilliant!!
Monday, April 6, 2009
The Toilet Dilemma
I'm in a quandary over a toilet seat. Over the weekend i was taking a crap and all of a sudden had a flashback over an episode i had a few years back in Melbourne during the winter.
The morning was cold and dark when i woke up one day and had this urge to pee (as a side note to all you 2 girls out there reading this, guys do suffer from this syndrome which i would like to call the Rock Hard Mornings Syndrome (RHMS). Without going into too much details and graphics, i think it would suffice to say that it involves peeing and stiffness). Anyway i had RHMS as always but proceeded to pee without too much thought. But then immediately after that particular bodily activity, the call to take a crap came and I instinctively lowered the seat, dropped my pants, did a 180 degree turn and sat. That was when i let out this almighty scream and would have jumped off the damn seat had my ass not been frozen solid to the toilet.
Fast forward 12 hours. I would spend the night at my buddy's place. He's married and his place is beautifully decorated with nice scented dried flowers sprinkled around the place. Nice clean floors...obvious woman's touch.
In the bathroom, they've got a tiny plant at the corner, nice branded perfumes and soaps and a red fuzzy on the toilet seat.
Well, i needed to take a crap that night and sat on the fuzzy and felt like a king. The fuzzy kept the seat nice and warm and well...kinda tickled making the entire experience more interesting.
The next morning, I had to pee again and dragged my RHMSed self to the toilet where i proceeded to put the seat up. BUT midway through that, the damn fuzzy suddenly starts to uncompress and slams down HARD and damn near takes my wee off with it! Now i was in a state of shock at my near death experience. Not only did i nearly lose my very reason for being male, i now had pee all over their damn red fuzzy! And since the only guys in the house are my married buddy and 4 of us guy visitors, i thought i would conveniently just lay the blame on one of the others...but unfortunately, when i went out, they were all having breakfast already...no way to escape this one.
His wife went nearly the same shade of red as the fuzzy when I confessed and thereupon launched into the benefits of sitting and peeing. I gently explained to her that guys could not and would not pee for 2 very simple reasons. One. It was our God given right to be able to pee standing up. We were given an instrument for a reason and we sure as hell were going to make full use of it. Second, even if I had sat down with RHMS, there was no way i was going to be able to fit under the cover anyway, short of breaking it in half (i kinda regret adding that part in because she looked like she would have gladly snapped it off for me).
So how about holding it while i was peeing then? She asked. Well, i replied, i would have if i knew in the first place the damn fuzzy was gunning out for me. How was i supposed to know it would uncoil at the most unfortunate moment?
Anyway, at the end of our holiday, i made a trip down to Target and got them an identical red fuzzy to replace the one i messed up...
Being in Sunny Singapore, we are fortunate never to have to make such a choice of whether or not to have one of those fuzzies. But it still begs the question: Fuzzies. Bane or boon?
The morning was cold and dark when i woke up one day and had this urge to pee (as a side note to all you 2 girls out there reading this, guys do suffer from this syndrome which i would like to call the Rock Hard Mornings Syndrome (RHMS). Without going into too much details and graphics, i think it would suffice to say that it involves peeing and stiffness). Anyway i had RHMS as always but proceeded to pee without too much thought. But then immediately after that particular bodily activity, the call to take a crap came and I instinctively lowered the seat, dropped my pants, did a 180 degree turn and sat. That was when i let out this almighty scream and would have jumped off the damn seat had my ass not been frozen solid to the toilet.
Fast forward 12 hours. I would spend the night at my buddy's place. He's married and his place is beautifully decorated with nice scented dried flowers sprinkled around the place. Nice clean floors...obvious woman's touch.
In the bathroom, they've got a tiny plant at the corner, nice branded perfumes and soaps and a red fuzzy on the toilet seat.
Well, i needed to take a crap that night and sat on the fuzzy and felt like a king. The fuzzy kept the seat nice and warm and well...kinda tickled making the entire experience more interesting.
The next morning, I had to pee again and dragged my RHMSed self to the toilet where i proceeded to put the seat up. BUT midway through that, the damn fuzzy suddenly starts to uncompress and slams down HARD and damn near takes my wee off with it! Now i was in a state of shock at my near death experience. Not only did i nearly lose my very reason for being male, i now had pee all over their damn red fuzzy! And since the only guys in the house are my married buddy and 4 of us guy visitors, i thought i would conveniently just lay the blame on one of the others...but unfortunately, when i went out, they were all having breakfast already...no way to escape this one.
His wife went nearly the same shade of red as the fuzzy when I confessed and thereupon launched into the benefits of sitting and peeing. I gently explained to her that guys could not and would not pee for 2 very simple reasons. One. It was our God given right to be able to pee standing up. We were given an instrument for a reason and we sure as hell were going to make full use of it. Second, even if I had sat down with RHMS, there was no way i was going to be able to fit under the cover anyway, short of breaking it in half (i kinda regret adding that part in because she looked like she would have gladly snapped it off for me).
So how about holding it while i was peeing then? She asked. Well, i replied, i would have if i knew in the first place the damn fuzzy was gunning out for me. How was i supposed to know it would uncoil at the most unfortunate moment?
Anyway, at the end of our holiday, i made a trip down to Target and got them an identical red fuzzy to replace the one i messed up...
Being in Sunny Singapore, we are fortunate never to have to make such a choice of whether or not to have one of those fuzzies. But it still begs the question: Fuzzies. Bane or boon?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Tougher than i thought
In the time it took me to find a name for this blog, I could have flown to Maine, had a lobster and come back! It's amazing how many people blog and I'm just starting out.
So the reason for starting this is to waste time. Kat has kindly volunteered to help me advertise the existence of this page so I want to say thanks...I think. When you guys (yes...all 2 of you) start reading this, i have a nagging suspicion that my reputation will just bomb.
So what do I write about? I don't know. I'm just typing the first thing that comes to my head.
Write about my feelings? Well at this very moment, i just want to put my head down and take a good snooze. It's raining like blazes outside and the rythmic beating of the rain is akin to a lullaby...
Write about my life experiences? I'm not that old to write a biography. And the earliest memory I have of me is barfing up some liquidy chunky goo. Not sure who wants to read about that. Although i believe i can write up a pretty good description of that.
Kat says i have to update this regularly...sure for the next 10 mins i will just keep updating the latest happenings. Stay tuned to my very exciting life in the office.
So the reason for starting this is to waste time. Kat has kindly volunteered to help me advertise the existence of this page so I want to say thanks...I think. When you guys (yes...all 2 of you) start reading this, i have a nagging suspicion that my reputation will just bomb.
So what do I write about? I don't know. I'm just typing the first thing that comes to my head.
Write about my feelings? Well at this very moment, i just want to put my head down and take a good snooze. It's raining like blazes outside and the rythmic beating of the rain is akin to a lullaby...
Write about my life experiences? I'm not that old to write a biography. And the earliest memory I have of me is barfing up some liquidy chunky goo. Not sure who wants to read about that. Although i believe i can write up a pretty good description of that.
Kat says i have to update this regularly...sure for the next 10 mins i will just keep updating the latest happenings. Stay tuned to my very exciting life in the office.
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